On Friday, Evening Standard readers were treated to an exclusive column by Fat Sam Allardyce – oh what joy! What have we done to deserve such favour? Regular readers of The Gooner will know my opinion of Fat Sam is so low it’s barely measurable.

Fat Sam professes West Ham to be ‘lucky’ that they have brought in a goalkeeper of Manual Almunia’s experience. Oh, he’s experienced all right, he’s played hundreds of games for a top club. But that doesn’t make him any good, does it? So much for Fat Sam’s judgement.

He then goes on to have a go at Forest for getting rid of Steve McLaren (a manager I would prefer to keep an inter-galactic distance away from my club), says Phil Jones was just as good at Blackburn under Fat Sam himself as he is at Man U (so more experience and playing with better players hasn’t actually improved him then, hmm)?, and he puts himself forward as next England manager simply because, you know, he’s really great. No, he is – he says so himself.

Finally Fat Sam decides to have a go at Palace boss Dougie Freedman, whose comments he found ‘disappointing’ and ‘disrespectful’ after Palace and West Ham drew 2-2. “Commenting on other teams and their performances is something I try not to do unless I feel the need to emphasise a fact with data,” says FS, completely failing to provide any data for his claim that West Ham “out-passed Palace”.

Friedman’s comments were “naive and unnecessary” says FS. “I’m hoping that in the future Dougie will just be a bit more thoughtful.”

This is the same thoughtful Fat Sam who not only is so good at management that he’s never won anything in his career, but who comes out with stuff like this:

“Arsène has most of the media in his pocket now and is almost – almost – affecting the officials so that you can’t tackle an Arsenal player.” Yeah, we’ve noticed people ‘not tackling’ Arsenal players. Sometimes they don’t tackle them until their legs are broken. “You have to try to win the ball at all costs and if someone doesn’t get it quite right people get injured.” Really? You have to try and win the ball “at all costs”? Jerk.

“Arsène is seen as a sophisticated Frenchman while I’m just a rugged English centre-half from the Midlands with an accent to match, but is Arsène more advanced than me in terms of coaching? Not a chance.” And yet he has won so many more trophies than you. How can this be?

FS also called for referee Peter Walton to be sacked because he didn’t give a penalty in a game his Blackburn team lost 6-2 to Arsenal. It was only one decision and it could have gone either way, so I’m hoping in the future Fat Sam will be just a little more thoughtful.

Allardyce has said he would get more recognition as a manager if he had a foreign sounding name – or perhaps if he just won something! It was only in 2010 that he claimed he should be managing Real Madrid or Inter, because he was ‘better suited’ to that sort of club. Unfortunately for him the owners and boards of those sort of clubs have chosen to ignore him – perhaps on the basis that he HAS NEVER WON ANYTHING! A fault for which he has been regularly sacked throughout his career. I do hope he’s enjoying the thrill of the Championship.

About 11 years ago he said he was going to retire from football in ten years, but we are still suffering him. I do so wish we could have taken him at his word, as he hates people saying things that are not ‘thoughtful’.

I could go on, but you get the picture: he’s a bit of an arse.