I do like to take the mick out of Spurs. I can’t help it. This was some mickey-taking I did for The Gooner issue 166 back in 2006. It’s still largely applicable, though they have made an appearance in the Champions League now and obviously we haven’t done so well for trophies ourselves lately.

For reasons best known to himself, the esteemed Gooner editor decided to squeeze my quality product into half a page of the magazine to make room for a cartoon. Bah!

The Spurs IQ Test

Time limit: 15 mins.

1. Which is the odd year out?

1961    1971    1998    2002

(1 mark)

2. Spot the odd one out:

GARLIC       SNAILS       FROGS LEGS        COQ AU VIN        LASAGNE

(1 mark)

3. Complete this sentence:

Arsenal are to Premiership Title as Spurs are to _______ :

a)     dreaming

b)     mid-table obscurity

c)     no hopers

d)     relegation fodder

e)     all of the above

(2 marks)

4. One of these does not belong in this set. Which is it:

ARSENAL      LIVERPOOL    CHELSEA     CHAMPIONS LEAGUE     SPURS

(1 mark)

5. Which word can mean the opposite of all the others:

RUBBISH       USELESS       TERRIBLE       PATHETIC       SPURS       EXCELLENT

(2 marks)  

6. Work out this anagram:

SPRUS    AER    TISH

(3 marks)

7. The WHL trophy cabinet has a lower shelf 12 feet long and an upper shelf 6 feet long. If trophies can be placed no closer than eighteen inches apart, how many will fit in to the cabinet?

a)     1

b)     2

c)     14

d)     it doesn’t matter

(2 marks)

8. Which number is next in this series:

1961    1962    1981    1982     1991

a)     1998

b)     3500

c)     10978

d)     the twelfth of never

(3 marks)

9. Three Spurs forwards can score 18 goals in 38 matches. One Arsenal forward can score 27 goals in 38 matches. One Spurs forward costs £6m. How much is an Arsenal forward worth?

(4 marks)

10. Arsenal have won 13 titles, four more than Everton. Everton have won three more than Sunderland. Sunderland have won twice as many as Chelsea. Chelsea have won more than Spurs. Why do Spurs think they’re the top team in London?

(4 marks)

11. If the last time Spurs won the Cup is seven years before the fourth from last that Arsenal won it and even Chelsea have won it twice since Spurs did, why the hell do Spurs think they’re the top team in London?

(5 marks)

12. No, really. I mean, it’s ludicrous. Pure fantasy. Why DO they think they’re the top team in London?

(10,000 marks for a convincing answer)