So now we know that Dennis Bergkamp will be the next statue at Arsenal. Not really a surprise – he only really has Thierry Henry as competition for the title of ‘Arsenal’s Greatest Player In Living Memory’, and Titi already has a statue.

When the AST asked members last summer who the next statue should be of, Dennis was the overwhelming choice, with 41 per cent of the vote.

(Yes, someone spelt McLintock wrong.)

They’ve chosen an interesting mid-air pose for the Iceman.

I propose that as his feet are nowhere near the ground, the club should cast the statue in something magnetic – stainless steel will do – and set it up over a large electro-magnet, so it hovers without physical support. Surely the last thing we want is for Dennis to have a pole up his arse for the next 100 years?

Alternatively, make it an ice sculpture (appropriate, no?) and suspend it in a big Perspex box full of liquid nitrogen. The liquid nitrogen will keep the ice from melting, and again he can float majestically off the ground. Or off the bottom of a perspex box in this case. I’m assuming you can see through liquid nitrogen; I’ve never actually seen any of the stuff, so now I think about it I’ve no idea if it’s clear or opaque.

Whatever they decide I think we can all be glad that the club have at least employed a firm that knows how to make statues in the right proportions. I still laugh every time I see this one of Ted Bates that Southampton put up in 2007.

There was such an outcry from fans that it was taken down soon after and eventually replaced with a new version that looked like this.

What amazes me is how the Southampton hierarchy let the first one be put up at all. Did they not look at it and say, ‘Er, I don’t really remember Ted looking quite like that . . . Are you SURE you measured it right?’ I mean they must have paid tens of thousands of pounds for it, and I know we British don’t like to make a scene, but even so . . .

The sculptor was interviewed by the local BBC station in Southampton and said that although the dimensions of the first statue were technically accurate, outside St Mary’s stadium, “the perspective went and on the plinth he looks completely different.” Look, I don’t mean to be unkind, but I think it’s a little more than a problem with perspective! The second one is recognisably a regular human male, not Robin Williams in a fat suit after five hours in make up. And if the dimensions of the first one are accurate, how come it’s a completely different shape to the second one? Do me a favour. It’s just a crap attempt, there’s no other way to describe it.

The second worst statue ever put outside a football ground must be this one:This is what happens when you have a single person in charge of a football club. Especially when that person is a frigging idiot.

Know any worse statues? Tweet me: @AngryOfN5