Practical Maths for Spurs Fans

It’s another Spurs piss-take! I wrote this over ten years ago, coming up to the 40th anniversary of Tottenham winning the League. I gave it to a website some Gooners had set up called Scum40, and from there it spread round the internet and then got printed in The Gooner issue 112. It even reached a Spurs fan at work, who emailed it to me saying “I bet you think this is funny,” to which I replied, “I do actually, I wrote it!”

Shame it’s all out of date now, with references to Sergei Rebrov, Darren Anderton, Les Ferdinand and Alan Sugar, and Glenn Hoddle’s dependence on Eileen Drewery. And Sol, who joined Arsenal a few months later. Maybe it’s time to write a new version.

Practical Mathematics for Spurs fans, National Curriculum Key Stage 2 (age 7-11)

1. Glenn lives in Southampton and has to drive 100 miles each way to get to work in London. If he travels at 60 mph, how much time does he waste each week on this pointless journey? How much if he detours 20 miles to pick up Eileen on the way?

2. Sol refuses to begin contract talks until his current contract runs out. If the contract runs out in June, how many weeks will elapse before he begins playing for a club with a realistic chance of success? (Clue: the new season starts in August.)

3.Tottenham are renowned as one of the “Big 5” English clubs, and have won the league twice. How many clubs have won it three or more times? How many of these have won it since Spurs last lifted the trophy? (Round answers down to the nearest ten.)

4. Sergei makes 36 incisive forward runs in a 90 minute match. Given that the ball reaches him via the inept Spurs midfield only once in every 24 runs, what is the chance he will score two goals in a game?

5. Darren is not feeling well. If he has to report to the physio every day for eight consecutive months beginning in August, how many Premiership games will he miss?

6. Teddy left Spurs 4 years ago to collect medals. Express as a percentage the number of medals he would have won had he stayed, compared to the number now in his collection.

7. Alan buys a football club for £2 million and invests a further £3 million a year for ten years. Assuming George siphons off £20,000 a week for three years and the trophy cabinet remains empty, how much is the club worth at the end of it?

8. In the ten seasons from 1990, Spurs finished in the following league positions: 10th, 15th, 8th, 15th, 7th, 8th, 10th, 14th, 11th, and 10th. On average, how many Champions League places should England be awarded to give Spurs a reasonable chance of qualifying?

9. David’s car does 20 miles to the gallon. If he travels at a constant speed of 4 mph for 50 minutes, how much petrol will he use before he receives a police caution?

10. Les’s woefully inadequate shooting hits the target 3 per cent of the time. In the unlikely event that he has 15 shots in a match, how many fans are inconvenienced by having to throw the ball back to him?

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