So England have won a match and their reward is that the WAGs are allowed to visit them for conjugal rights this weekend. I wonder who’s visiting Cashley? No doubt there will be a full report in the ‘celebrity’ magazines.

I don’t read the likes of Hello and OK. To me, the existence of such magazines is a sign that people of low intellect have too much disposable income. However, I’m sometimes forced to sit next to such people on my commute so I am aware of the magazines’ content. And there’s nothing they like more than a young couple flashing surgically enhanced smiles and inviting readers into their lovely home. The “best” couples are those where both parties are celebs in their own right (even if Z-list), which made our old mate Cashley the king of Hello for a while, before Cheryl found him out and then kicked him out. I once saw the pair of them pictured on page after page of some rag, and both were looking immensely proud of themselves in every picture, as you would expect.

Another time a girl next to me “reading” one of these magazines turned a page and I was treated to the sight of Steven Gerrard lounging around in a pair of comfortable slacks with his partner (I have no idea if they’re married) draped over him. I know little about Gerrard’s lady friend, but for a while at least she seemed desperate to overtake Mrs Wayne Rooney as the North West’s top Chavette. As far as I can tell, she has no career or discernible talent, but her ambition is to be famous anyway. Naturally she could not have looked more delighted to be having her picture taken. Gerrard, though, had the grace to be looking rather embarrassed and a bit confused, as though his mum had just caught him with his hand in his pants. Which left me wondering why he agreed to the photoshoot in the first place. Then I remembered that embarrassed and slightly confused is his natural expression. Either way, he should really tell his missus that he’s rich and famous because he’s good at football, and she’s not because she does nothing.

As for the other WAGs, Joe Hart’s girlfriend appears to be a young lady by the name of Kimberley Crew. Again, what she does and why is a mystery to me, but if you Google her name you seem to come across this picture quite a lot:

Joe Hart is a goalkeeper. He has to catch footballs. If he could practise catching two at once . . . Complete the rest of that joke yourself.