Joe Kinnear Is Back!

Suddenly everyone is talking about Joe Kinnear being back at Newcastle! It must be time for me to repost this, then. I’ll make Joe the ‘A’ side this time, flipping the contents of the post to get more readers – you know, like Boney M did once with Rivers of Babylon and Brown Girl In The Ring. You know, Boney M? Oh never mind. 

Joe Kinnear’s diary came into my possession after his famous press conference . . .

I arrive home from my first Newcastle press conference and it’s fair to say I am not in the best of moods. “How did it go, love?” asks the wife. “You can f*** off, you’ve been f***ing against me from the start,” I say. “You’re just like the f***ing rest of them.” “Oh dear love, you haven’t been getting cross with the press, have you?” she says. “F***ing typical that a c*** like you would f***ing take their f***ing side!” I shout, f***ing losing my f***ing rag a-f***ing-gain. “Have you had your medication?” she inquires. “F*** off!” I shout.

In the evening the wife had organised a little drinks party to celebrate my appointment at Newcastle. First I f***ing knew about it was when a f***ing bunch of tw*ts arrived at me f***ing door! “Congratulations, Joe,” said my brother-in-law. “You’ve never f***ing like me have you, you f***er!” I said. “I’m f***ing fed f***ing up of f***ers like f***ing you! You f***ing f***er! What the f*** gives f***ing you the f***ing right to f***ing critif***ingcise! I’m f***ing f***ing f***ing f*** f***ing . . . lost for f***ing words!”

Remember when one of Arsene’s motivational letters to his team was found in a hotel, discarded by a careless player? (Reported here in the Guardian.) I immediately wrote this which was printed in The Gooner issue 189.

Got up at 6:30am to find the milkman once again had not left the right order and ignored as usual my specific request for the strawberry Petit Filous. I kick over the bottles in frustration and have to tell my wife that I didn’t see them. Then I leave the milkman a note: “We must focus on our communication. Be demanding with yourself. When you deliver to my home you must believe in your identity as a milkman and I know you will show the desire to succeed.” This will I am sure produce a positive result tomorrow.

It is international break, so I spend the day at home. After breakfast I play chess with my daughter. Before we start I give her a pep talk and a note that says: “You must display a positive attitude on and off the board. Be demanding with yourself. Be fresh and prepared to win. Have an unshakeable belief that the opposing pawns can be overcome.” This succeeds I think too well because I am forced to concede after only 15 moves.

Later my wife sends me to the shop for a loaf of bread and some replacement milk. I have prepared an inspiring note for the girl who works behind the counter: “Show the desire to win in all that you do. Have belief that you can achieve your target. Stay grounded and humble as a person and a corner shop assistant.” “Medium sliced, and three pints of semi-skimmed, Mr Wenger?” she replies, turning the paper over. “Yes, of course it is important always to come back with the three pints,” I say.

At 8:00pm we go out for dinner. I admire always in the past the way that the maître d’ and the head waiter focussed on the goal of seating me at my preferred table. However, the note I left last time instead of a tip does not seem to have helped: “Enjoy and contribute to all that is special about being in a team – don’t take it for granted. The team becomes stronger by displaying a positive attitude and everyone making the right decisions for the team.” Tonight for some reason we are seated in a corner between the kitchen door and the air conditioner.

10:30pm I go to bed. It is Saturday so I make love to my wife. As foreplay I have typed a letter to give her: “We must maintain excellent relationships within the marriage to allow a robustness to the team dynamic. Focus on the gratitude and vitally important benefits that this teamwork brings to our lives. We can maximise the opportunities that await a strong and united team. Always want more, always give more.” This has the desired effect and I have to remember my own advice to “Focus on being mentally stronger and always keep going until the end.” We sink into mutual exhaustion by 10:53.

Twitter: @AngryOfN5


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