You’ve probably seen this. Some bloke was taken on a private tour of the training ground by the doctor and sneaked some pictures, including the list of fines for such things as being late for training, failing to provide urine samples (for monitoring hydration levels rather than Rio Ferdinand-type shenanigans) and bringing the wrong kit on match day. (‘Are we home or away this week, Mikel?’ ‘Well we’re flying there, so probably home.’)

Apparently there’s no fine for not knowing the rules of the League Cup and throwing your shirt in the crowd before we can play extra time, either. And no newspaper, laptop or mobile in the medical room? What the hell does Abou Diaby do to pass the time when Rosicky’s not there? I imagine ‘I spy’ probably gets boring when you’ve listed the entire contents of the room.

All fines to be paid in cash to Per Mertesacker – surely that looks a bit suspect, doesn’t it? What does Per do with the cash? Is this a tax dodge? Is he money laundering? Does he make a lot of trips to Monaco with a dog? Questions must be asked.

They should probably have fines for a few other things that they seem to have left off the list:

• Being injured for more than 75% of your time at Arsenal – take new contract
• Insisting you are a centre forward when you’re patently not – take new contract and £3m
• Having no desire to win and being outworked and outfought by other teams week after week – continue to be picked week after week because there’s no one else, and anyway it would kill you to be dropped
• Refusing to go on loan because you’d rather collect your fat wage packet for sitting on the bench – collect fat wage packet
• Refusing to go on loan because you’d rather collect your fat wage packet for sitting in the stand – collect fat wage packet
• Refusing to be sold because your fat wage packet would be jeopardised on account of you’re crap – collect fat wage packet for several more years

I’m sure you can think of others.

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