No one’s interested in Arsenal news at the moment, are they? There isn’t any anyway, no one is being signed except an overpriced winger who was there already, and we’re losing most matches, so I’m not that bothered myself. I’ll talk about something else.

A few months ago I posted this piece about Ray Parlour’s third Arsenal appearance, where he set up both goals in a 2-0 win at Anfield, and was described in a newspaper report as ‘the blond teenager with the looks of a Greek god’. Someone then accused me of making fun of the Romford Pele, which I would never do, as he is a top top Arsenal geezer and all-round good bloke. Even if he is from Essex and does not truly resemble a Greek god.

The ancient Greeks actually had a vision of how the ideal man should be built. No mention of blond flowing locks, but they worked out what various bodily measurements should be based on the measurement of a man’s wrist. My own wrist measures exactly seven inches (or 17.8 cm). I have no idea if that’s big or small, but according to the calculator here, that makes my ‘ideal’ measurements the following:

(They only do the result in inches even if you click the input as CM, sorry to those used to metric. Multiply by 2.54 to convert.)

If Arsenal win tonight I’ll be in such a good mood I’ll post what my measurements actually are. Bet you can’t wait. I can tell you that apparently my calves are the perfect size. Calf model should have been my career choice, if only I’d known.

Follow me on twitter, where I am most unlikely to be mentioning this ever again (unless Arsenal win tonight): @AngryOfN5

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I said I’d post my measurements if we won. We won. So here they are, in inches and centimetres:

• Chest 44.5 / 113
• Forearm 12 / 30.5
• Waist 34.5 / 87.5
• Thigh 22.25 / 57
• Hips 40.5 / 103
• Calves 15.5 / 39.5
• Biceps 15 / 38
• Neck 17.25 / 44

You are allowed to do biceps flexed, I’m sure. And that’s my real stomach measurement, not the one printed in my trousers – it’s not just women’s clothes that lie to make the wearer feel better; whatever your trousers say your waist is, I guarantee it’s actually two inches bigger.

Now I need to go and beef up my arms and legs.